Here’s what I’ve been up to recently.

September 12, 2016

  • Putting off stapling copies of the newest Creativity for Introverts issue. I mean, I staple them as orders come in. I’m not usually this slow about it, but things have been slow the last month, ever since I checked off everything on my summer to-do list way too early.
  • Hating the afternoon sun’s glare on my computer screen while I’m trying to hunt down good resources for my class discussion posts. I normally don’t hate nice things like sunshine peeking through the blinds, but I’ve been in quite a mood since I got back from my birthday trip.
  • Doing something resembling lifting weights. It’s not lifting weights, it’s this thing called a resistance band. I figure it’s sort of like training wheels leading up to a point where maybe, some day, my body will be able to lift weights in public in front of people. Anyway, I use it every in-office day (4 days a week) and it’s actually pretty fun, even though the remaining three days of the week I am in a lot of pain.
  • Two weeks ago I ran on the treadmill for longer than 2 minutes, so that’s something. I can clearly remember what it felt like to run free and without pain. I mean, that was less than two years ago. I am really fucking tired of letting depression get the best of me. To be fair, given foot issues I’ll probably never run free without pain again but at least I can run free without leg pain maybe.
  • On the drive home from my birthday trip I had an idea for a ballet/dance/musical thingy set to baroque music but I’m not able to work on it in my current environment. I’ll need to spread out and use up space and pin things to the wall and sew and dance and breathe and such. So I’ll have to wait until I have room to do things like that. I’m very excited. I can close my eyes and see parts of it in my head, dancers twirling in blue and red and green stage lights and masks and costumes and confused audience members and secret smiles from those who know what it’s like and can see the stories. It’s kind of a big idea, even for me, so who knows if it’ll ever really come to fruition.
  • Writing more often. Kind of. I took this course from All the Many Layers and I got a lot from the workbooks but then I sort of stopped writing. I knew that would happen because of school. I do a lot of writing during school but it’s writing for school, which is still writing, but it’s self-discovery on a different level about very specific other things. That’s also something I am interested in exploring and discovering, but I am just hoping that I don’t lose the momentum after the semester ends.
  • Thinking of this: One of the things I learned from that course was how terribly badly I did this whole thing. Instead of writing through the shit and bringing you all with me and being honest about the changes and letting you know where I was going, I just shut down and closed the site, and I haven’t quite been able to get things running again. It’s been a long time and I don’t know when it will come back but I do really want it to. All of the ideas I try form halfway and then the rains come and wash them away, or a better idea blossoms and I get distracted by that shiny thing and forget. It’s a lot of energy to run a site and promote yourself and be so open, and I think that’s a big part of it, too. The emotional position I am in right now is very rough. I feel vulnerable and I don’t feel like I am alive and so I am hiding behind these NOW lists rather than sharing my truths. My solution was to make the exciteshroom project, but I am not even sure my heart is in that either. I want to document and share but I am drained. My life has been sucked away and I don’t even have room for myself anymore. What do I do, what do I do.

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